Rihanna, ana, ana, eh, eh, eh

In Entertainment, Fashion on September 22, 2008 at 7:30 am

I like RiRi. I really do.  She’s adorable. Has a distinctive nasal sound. Snappy songs. Rocks super cute haircuts.

However, I must jump on the bandwagon when it comes to lamenting over Rihanna’s poor sense of fashion.

The costumes! Um…I mean the outfits.  So many of the outfits are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I’d like to add one more wrong for emphasis. WRONG!

Let’s not forget the one too many color schemes – all at once. She’s like a walking pair of Travel Fox shoes. (Ew…the sins committed back in the days. May we leave those icky shoes in the abyss of our closets along with the overly funky Cross Colors jeans.)

I’m going to blame RiRi’s stylist for the repeated red carpet offenses.

I suspect RiRi’s stylist is trying to play up her Caribbean roots by dressing her in lots, and I mean LOTS, of plumage and ruffles.

If my suspicions are correct then I’d like to make a plea to RiRi’s faceless stylist. Please unknown Rihanna stylist, stop putting RiRi in these outfits.

Yes, we Caribbean folks are a lively bunch. Sure, we have a knack for producing rhythmic tunes, beautiful works of art, and whipping up zesty culinary meals.

Sure, we’ve contributed pages and pages of great writing to the literary world, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

And yes, YES, dear sweet iced tea and all that’s right in the world, there is the donning of colorful costumes (often with lots of plumage). But those garments are never to be worn any time other than bacchanal time.

That’s right, unknown stylist responsible for getting RiRi on the worst dressed list like a lot, such festive attire should never find its way on the red carpet. Ever!

Here’s RiRi in a get up that makes her look like she’s part of a cult located at a remote site in Texas or California, or perhaps waiting to be beamed up onto the Star Trek Enterprise.

I’m 98 percent certain this is an experimental design. There can be no other explanation for this smock.

Moving along…

I get cold fairly easily, you know like when the air conditioner in the office is cranked up to Arctic levels. To get my blood flowing again, I throw on an old sweater that hangs on the back of my office chair.  It has fuzzy balls on it from one too many cycles in the washer.  I’d love to replace it with this:

Ooh, ooh! I love a well-fitted cocktail dress.  What girl doesn’t?

But if I saw this on the dress rack at the department store, I would leave this interesting number like right there – on the rack.

Hmm…where shall I begin?

There are too many conflicting shapes, which for some odd reason, invokes memories of my preschool days. The vertical sparkly bow thingy looks like there could be a wardrobe malfunction at RiRi’s slightest attempt to wave “hello” to uber idol, Beyonce.

The front of the dress also goes against one of my golden fashion rules. I strongly believe bows should be used to decorate peep-toe pumps or a little girl’s hair, but never to cover the boobies. That’s what bras are for.

My fashion rule No. 2: Never channel your inner Looney Tunes character as RiRi does in the photo below.  Yup, it’s the vixen version of Pepe Le Pew.

Do not match hair color (not even a track of glued on weave as seen here) to the color of your shoes.  That’s like so back in days when Shabba Ranks sang Mr. Loverman.  Doing so comes off as looking forced. Fashion isn’t about forcing a look. Fashion is expressing a look.  – MJ

  1. Dang MJ. You really tore Ri Ri from limb to limb. I LOVE LOVE LOVE her but I have got to admit that if I wasn’t convinced before about her lack of taste, i sure as hell am convinced now! That last dress looked like construction paper and a bra. It was hideous. We should totally start a SAVE RI RI campaign. I would donate $12.00 to get my girl a better stylist!

  2. MJ, I totally agree with you on everything concerning Ri Ri’s fashion wears.

  3. Thanks for the responses, ladies. I really do admire RiRi. She’s so fun to watch. And I can’t help but to boogie to her music. I just want her to zap her stylist du jour. Didn’t Obama say it’s time for change?

  4. Yeah, I adore Rihanna but after seeing the breakdown of her outfits like this, her stylist is pretty adventerous in all the wrong ways. I actually like the color of the first outfit, but the actual shape of the dress is odd. It’s all just too out there for me… And unflattering.

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